The Next Day: Facebook
by AlyDuartsGleek
Summary: Takes place after The First Time. Hey, the New Directions had to find out about it SOMEhow, right? the Warblers come in, all hell breaks loose, the usual ; rate T for mature themes and cussing


The Next Day: Facebook

A/N: My first FBF! Might not be as good as it WAS because my iPod is FUCKING MORONIC and deleted it when I tried to email it... But I hope I can try to remember it... I literally felt like crying because it was so perfect and then *POOF*... I felt a horrible sense of loss... Anyways... One shot? Two shot? Multichap fic? Let's just see where this one takes us...

XXX

**Kurt Hummel:** wants to thank **Blaine Anderson** for a beautifully perfect and romantic night last night (lessthanthree)

** Noah Puckerman:** GET SOME!

**Santana Lopez:** WANKY!

**Kurt Hummel:** Really guys? I can't even thank my boyfriend for what could've easily just been a romantic date over Facebook without you corrupting in in some way!

**Santana Lopez:** You never said you didn't do it

**Kurt Hummel:** ...

**Santana Lopez:** I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!

**Brittany Pierce:** They just had sex and it felt so good!

**Burt Hummel:** Kurt Elizabeth Hummel! What did I say about having sleepovers with anyone who might be gay?

** Blaine Anderson:** Well, technically you said anyone who "might be gay" and after kissing Rachel, I am most DEFINITELY gay.

**Rachel Berry**: HEY!

**Blaine Anderson**: Loves loopholes

**Finn Hudson:** I like kissing you (lessthanthree)

**Blaine Anderson:** Um.. Sorry Finn. I'm taken and so are you

**Finn Hudson:** SHIT! That was meant for Rach!

**Quinn Fabray:** HA!

**Rachel Berry:** Aww, I like kissing you too (lessthanthree)

**Rachel Berry:** ^That was meant for Finn. Sorry Faberry shippers... CRAP! Broke the fourth wall!... Not again...

**Burt Hummel:** Kurt...

**Kurt** **Hummel:** *sigh* Look dad. You said to use it as a way to connect with another person... Blaine is that person. I love Blaine and it just happened when it felt right.

**Quinn** **Fabray:** AWWW!

**(23 billion people like this)**

**Burt** **Hummel: **Fine. Were you at least being safe?

**Blaine** **Anderson:** Yes, we were being safe :)

**Burt** **Hummel:** Ok, I'm going to log off now because 1) I don't want to hear all the details I'm SURE your friends will pry you for and 2) Blaine... That smiley face was just plain creepy...

**Blaine Anderson:** :(

**Kurt Hummel**: I still love you :)

**Blaine Anderson**: :D

**Finn Hudson**: Please tell me it wasn't at our house...

**Kurt Hummel**: Finn... I wasn't even home last night.

**Finn Hudson**: Fwew! That's a relief! It would have been so awkward if you came home where me and Rachel were doing the exact same thing!

**Rachel Berry**: FINN!

**Blaine Anderson: **Trust me, Finn. You guys weren't doing the same thing as us

**Finn Hudson**: ? I thought you guys were... You know?

**Blaine Anderson**: Well, you see, Finn. When two guys-

**Kurt Hummel**: BLAINE ANDERSON! YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT EXPLAIN THIS TO FINN!

**Blaine Anderson**: Why? It's not like it's awkward or anything

**Kurt Hummel:** No, just... No...

**Blaine Anderson**: If it makes you happy :)

**Kurt Hummel**: (lessthanthree)

**Finn Hudson**: Wait... So two guys and a guy and a girl have sex differently?

**Rachel Berry**: Kurt, I think it's time to face the fact that our boyfriends are idiots and possibly socially awkward

**Kurt Hummel**: Possibly?

**Rachel Berry:** Point taken...

**Nick Sterling**: CONGRATS ON DEVIRGINIZING EACH OTHER!

**Rachel Berry**: SPIES!

**Jeff Whitman**: Wait a second... Blaine was a virgin?

**Thad Garza**: Ok, so I now know I'm NOT the only one who freaked out when they found out he was a virgin

**Kurt Hummel**: Of course Blaine was a virgin

**Noah Puckerman**: Emphasis on the "was"

**Kurt Hummel**: Thank you, Noah...

**Noah Puckerman**: Anytime, Lance, anytime.

**Kurt Hummel**: Back to Blaine... What would make you guys think otherwise?

**Wes Roberts**: I don't know... He's just so...

**David Jeffreys**: And so...

**Trent Underwood**: You know?

**Blaine Anderson**: WTF?

**Nick Sterling**: POTATOES! :D

**Artie Abrams**: YOLO!

**Sebastian Smythe**: I see you're loosening him up for me, Kurt? ;)

**Kurt Hummel**: GTFO, Sebastian! Nobody wants to see your meerkat face on here

(**Blaine Anderson** and **234** others like this)

** Sebastian Smythe**: And nobody wants to see your bad case of the gay face on here

**Finn Hudson**: WHOA! NOT COOL, DUDE! I have no idea who the FUCK you think you are, but if you EVER talk to my brother like that again, I SWEAR TO GRILLED CHEESUS THAT I WILL CASTRATE YOU WITH A RUSTY ASS RAZOR!

**Blaine Anderson**: THAT IS MY BOYFRIEND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!

**Sebastian Smythe**: Not your boyfriend for long ;)

**Wes Roberts**: SMITE THE NON-KLAINER!

**Sebastian Smythe**: Gah! Where are you people taking me!

**Nick Sterling**: We will lock you up in the closet-

**Noah Puckerman: ***snicker*** **

**Nick Sterling**: We will release you only for practice and competitions and you will be fed nothing but bread and Squirt!

**Sebastian Smythe:** SQUIRT! NO THANKS, I'll STAY DEHYDRATED!

**Blaine Anderson**: I LOVE Squirt!

**Thad Garza**: Ew...

**Rachel Berry**: That's probably character bleed from when your portrayer, Darren Criss, played Harry Potter in StarKid's A Very Potter Musical.

**Quinn Fabray**: Rachel! Stop it with the fourth wall!

** Sebastian Smythe**: Don't you guys think you're overreacting?

**Nick Sterling**: NO! YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO HAD TO ENDURE ENDLESS HOURS OF EYE SEX FOR FOUR FUCKING MONTHS! SO PLEASE BACK THE FUCK OFF!... SLUTPIG!

**Sebastian Smythe**: Wow, Nick... That was hot...

**Jeff Whitman: **MINE! *grabs Nick and runs*

**Sebastian Smythe** went from being 'Single' to 'Its Complicated'

**Noah Puckerman**: What happened? Using both hands now? A bit overkill, don't you think?

(**Kurt Hummel, Blaine Anderson**, and **23** others like this)

**Sebastian Smythe**: One day, Blaine will be mine...

(**No One** likes this)

** Blaine Anderson** and **27** others are no longer friends with **Sebastian Smythe**

**(The Entire Klaine Fandom** likes this)

**Rachel Berry**: I wonder if they ship Finchel too...

**Quinn Fabray**: RACHEL!

**Rachel Berry**: I KNOW! FOURTH WALL! SOR-RY!

**Sebastian Smythe**: You all are just intimidated by my sexiness.

**Thad Garza**: I've met NUNS and GRANDMAS sexier than you, bitch!

**Noah Puckerman**: But his mom is a FOX! I mean, can you spell MILF?

**Brittany Pierce**: No...

**Sebastian Smythe**: 0_0 MOM!

**Sebastian Smythe** has logged off

**Kurt Hummel**: Ding dong! the bitch is dead

**Rachel Berry**: Which old bitch?

**Kurt Hummel**: The one that smells like Craigslist.

**Brittany Pierce**: My baby penguin is no longer a penguin...

**Jeff Whitman**: Dear god... It's the ditzy blonde...

**Brittany Pierce: I am NOT dizzy! Last time I was dizzy was in the merry-go-round and I'm not allowed in it anymore because last time we got on, Lord Tubbington broke it **

**Santana Lopez**: Yes, boo. That's because it was the fourth one he broke and the city was about to fine you

**Brittany Pierce:** But it's not his fault! He just can't stop smoking...

**Thad Garza**: What the-?

**Wes Roberts**: I don't even...

**Nick Sterling:** What the FUCK?

**Kurt Hummel**: You get used to it...

**Santana Lopez**: So back to the Wonder Twins losing the Big-V.

**Noah Puckerman**: ^THIS^

**Blaine Anderson**: Just when I thought they'd forgotten...

**Santana Lopez**: Who topped?

**Kurt Hummel**: THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, SATAN!

**Brittany Pierce**: Kurtie, is your dolphin hurt?

**Kurt Hummel: **Um... I don't think so...

**Brittany Pierce**: Then why was he limping a little this morning?

**Kurt Hummel: ... **

**Blaine Anderson: ... **

**Rachel Berry: ... **

**Finn Hudson: ... **

**Santana Lopez: ... **

**Noah Puckerman**: I guess that answered that question...

**Burt Hummel**: Is it weird that I'm sort of proud of Kurt for this?

**Kurt Hummel**: DAD! You said you were logging off!

**Burt Hummel**: One does not simply log off of Facebook.

**Kurt Hummel**: Dad...

** Burt Hummel**: I'm sorry SOB it's just that SOB

**Kurt Hummel**: Dad..? Are you... Are you crying?

**Burt Hummel**: NO! *sniffle*

**Burt Hummel**: Ok... I'm crying...

**Kurt Hummel**: Why?

**Burt Hummel**: Because my sweet little boy is growing up! He lost his virginity and in a few months, you're going to be gone, Kurt! GONE! And I'm going to be all alone...

**Carole Hudson-Hummel**: Excuse me?

**Burt Hummel: **Ok, almost all alone... I just want my little boy who sounds like his mother and likes to dust back...

**Kurt Hummel**: SOB I'm going to SOB miss you SOB too!

Kurt Hummel: is crying into his fathers shoulders

**Burt Hummel**: is going to miss his child that likes to dust

**Rachel Berry**: Awwww! They are my favorite son/father relationship on TV! YAY FOR THE URTS!

**Quinn** **Fabray: **RACHEL**! **

**Rachel Berry**: SORRY!

**Noah Puckerman**: Can we please just talk about Klaine having sex again?

**Thad Garza: **MAKE UP YOUR OWN SHIP NAME FOR THEM YOU LAZY BASTARD!

**Noah Puckerman**: NEVER!

**Nick Sterling**: What I want to know, Noah, is why you are so interested in their sex life?

**Noah Puckerman**: Look, I don't like listening to them puke Klainebows and stuff. I just hear talk about sex and I'm immediately interested. I'm a sex shark

**Quinn Fabray**: Oh, shut up Puck! We all know you were crying when Klaine was singing "Candles" last year at Regionals

**Kurt Hummel**: ...

**Blaine Anderson**: ...

**Rachel Berry**: I can second that

**Finn Hudson**: Third

**Sam Evans**: Fourth

**Brittany Pierce: **Seventh

**Lord Tubbington**: Six and a half point two

**Rachel Berry: ... **

**Finn Hudson ... **

**Santana Lopez: ... **

**Blaine Anderson**: ...

**Kurt Hummel**: ...

**Quinn Fabray**: ...

**Noah Puckerman: **...

**Thad Garza**: YOU WHORES ARE CLOGGING UP MY NEWSFEED!

**Santana Lopez**: Who are you calling a whore? The only whore I see here is you!

**Finn Hudson**: Says the girl who slept with me, Puck, Mike, Matt, has made out with every guy in the school except Kurt and Blaine and is dating the girl who HAS made out with every guy who was enrolled in McKinley High during sophomore year including Kurt.

**Blaine Anderson**: Wait... What?

**Brittany Pierce**: Kurtie and I made out sophomore year in his basement because I thought he was capital G gay but then he sang a Mellencamp song and wore flannel so he wasn't and I needed a perfect record and his dad said something about using a burglar alarm if things got serious and he kisses really good but he won't kiss me anymore because I asked him if he remembered when we made out when he was wearing the pretty peacock cape and pajamas and I'm pretty sure he broke the fourth wall (whatever that means) (I LEARNED HOW TO USE PARENTHESIS) when he told them that they weren't helping the simulation or whatever and he just ran out because he was too fabulous and I swore that I would make him mine even though I can't count

**Wes Roberts: **...?

**Thad Garza**: What the actual fuck?

**Kurt Hummel**: Err... Long story...

**Santana Lopez**: I can explain this... It was a dark and stormy night when the universe decided to unleash the horror upon us that is...

**Santana Lopez**: BUTCH KURT!

**Kurt Hummel**: *facepalm*

**Rachel Berry:** I wonder how many hits Pink Houses got in iTunes... Never mind, it was unreleased... Like Fergalicious! I bet the Kurt fans would have LOVED that!

**Quinn Fabray**: RACHEL!

**Rachel Berry**: I'M SORRY! I can't help it! Let me get it all out of my system

**Quinn Fabray: **Fine...

**Rachel Berry**: CrissColfer shippers must be DYING with all the unscriptedness! Lea Michele is extremely talented! The Klaine fandom rules! Ryan Murphy is a troll. Sorry to disappoint Faberry shippers. HI ALL YOU FANGIRLS AND FANGUYS!

**Rachel Berry**: There I'm done...

**Quinn Fabray**: Thank you, Rachel... Now let's go make out in a corner... JUST KIDDING! Ha! Bet I got all those Faberry shippers *smug look*

**Rachel Berry**: Fuck you..

(**The Faberry Fandom** likes this)

** Quinn Fabray**: You wish...

**Blaine Anderson**: YOU MADE OUT WITH BRITTANY!

**Quinn Fabray**: late reaction much?

**Blaine Anderson**: Fuck you

**Quinn Fabray**: Save it for Kurt...

**Blaine Anderson**: MAYBE I WILL!

**Kurt Hummel**: I was just trying to act straight for my dad

**Rachel Ber**ry: What is it with Klaine and late reactions?

**Thad Garza**: Again, MAKE UP YOUR OWN SHIP NAME FOR THEM YOU BITCH!

**Rachel Berry**: NO!

(**Noah Puckerman, Mike Chang**, and **12** others like this)

** Finn Hudson**: What I wanna know is WHY nobody gives a crap that Rachel and I did the deed?

**Santana Lopez**: (random subject change much, Frankenteen?) Because you two break up every five seconds and you're not NEARLY as fine as the two gay Winkelvii twins.

**Kurt Hummel**: ^ Not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out by that...

**Brittany Pierce**: Definitely flattered ;) whatever that means

**Blaine Anderson:** HE'S MINE!

**Santana Lopez**: Especially Hummel. I mean have you SEEN Single Ladies and Push It and Four Minutes?

**Blaine Anderson: **What's that?

**Santana Lopez** shared a video and tagged: **Kurt Hummel, Mercedes Jones, Artie Abrams, Tina Whatshername, Rachel Berry, Finn Hudson, **and** Brittany Pierce**

**Blaine Anderson**: O_O

**Blaine Anderson: **K-Kurt... I Th.-think we should go to your house... Now...

**Kurt Hummel: **Ok ;)

**Kurt Hummel** has logged off

**Blaine Anderson** has logged off

**Noah Puckerman: **GET SOME!

**Santana Lopez:** WANKY!

XXX

A/N: Please tell me if I made you laugh at all. I will be desperately disappointed if I didn't. Because then I would have failed my family legacy of going to Clown College and graduating at the top of my class. My mother would be so disappointed in me

So if you care at all about my beloved family tradition and my future, please...

DONT DISAPPOINT MY MOTHER!

Review?


End file.
